In search of the Maltese pirate.

If anyone who reads this is a friend of the guy (well, I somehow assume guy rather than gal) who calls himself "the Maltese pirate," could you let me know how he (or she, as the case may be) is? I'm sure he must be cranky, what with no having never gotten his cigarette stash to adequate levels, but I do hope that that is his only woe.